Interpreting Boundaries: An Interview Beyond the Binary

How do you respond when someone respects your boundaries? This was a question I asked myself when a new acquaintance encouraged me to “set my own boundaries.” As a domestic violence survivor, I was acclimated to the opposite: when I established boundaries, I would nevertheless be whittled down, disrespected, gaslit, and even violently retaliated against until I submitted against my boundaries.

In that moment wherein my boundary was accepted unconditionally the first time, I was unsure how to react. Should I say thank you? Should I shrug it off with an ‘okay’? Should I acknowledge it? Should I express gratitude to someone who simply took my discomfort as an acceptable reason to abstain?

Lost in thought and what to type, I Googled “how to respond when someone respects your boundaries.” As I scrolled through results, articles were layered with key words such as: toxic relationship, get out now, lack of respect, how to know if, narcissism, red flags, etc. I couldn’t locate an article that articulated how, in a healthy relationship (relationship as a broad term: friends, partners, friends with benefits, etc), to react when your boundaries are respected.

As a survivor of childhood abuse, I didn’t have positive and healthy role models for how to establish boundaries. When my mother’s body was an instrument that my father could use and dispose of as he pleased, it was merely regurgitated heritage that I repeated those patterns of sacrificial obedience in many other relationships.

As a sexual assault survivor, I have been blamed by police, supervisors, and even close friends. I was blamed for walking alone, for what I wore, and for generally trusting men. I was blamed for not having conservative enough boundaries then was also gaslit in subsequent abusive relationships for having any boundaries at all.

Through a series of toxic relationships, I silently endured abuse and sexual violence even as I continued to advocate for domestic violence awareness. When I attempted to create boundaries, I was gaslit. I lacked the autonomy to be myself. I was victimized and re-victimized for simply existing. Creating boundaries was unheard of. In abusive relationships, creating boundaries was even dangerous.

Now that I am safe, I recognize the patterns that have composed cyclical boundary-disrespecting relationships. As I introspect about connection in a holistic view of healing, I reflect on how boundaries ought to be formed. I sought advice from friends to learn how they cultivate healthy, consensual relationships.

The first guest in this interview series is Rellian Merrin. Rellian is a non-binary Jewish activist currently in school for social work and on track to become a trauma therapist. Rellian has an undergraduate degree in psychology as well as experience working as a crisis counselor and a professional Cuddlist. They also facilitate Cuddle Parties, consent workshops, and other community-building events.

Anesce: Did you have any positive examples of healthy boundaries growing up?

Rellian: Honestly, I can probably think of individual examples where people expressed and held healthy boundaries but no, I didn’t really see healthy boundaries growing up. In retrospect, most of the relationships I observed depended on some pretty unhealthy boundaries or lack of boundaries. My parents were an interesting mix — my mother was good at holding certain types of boundaries but in other ways gave herself entirely and lived for others. I picked up a lot of my people-pleasing/helper-type, lack-of-boundary issues from seeing that. I benefited from my mother’s people-pleasing behaviors and lack of boundaries because she put my, and everyone else’s, needs above her own. Benefiting from that is part of what made it register as good and desirable which personally led me to model behavior after it in unhealthy ways — namely a lack of boundaries.

Boundaries seemed like something you needed for “bad people,” not something you had (let alone needed) in relationships with family and loved ones.

A: How did you learn to establish healthy boundaries?

R: I only established healthy boundaries after people trounced all over my boundaries for years. Beyond getting fed up with how I was being treated, I sought out active training through Cuddlist and my work as a professional cuddler. I thought my boundaries were good when I started cuddling, and then I had my first pushy client. My ability to know, express, and hold my own boundaries is leaps and bounds better now because of my work in the cuddling world.

A: How do you react when your boundaries are respected?

R: I feel safe, comfortable, able to be fully myself, and am present with the other person. Physically, I loosen up. My shoulders and jaw un-clench. I breathe easier even if I didn’t notice anything about my breathing before. I quite literally physically relax. Beyond that, I’m able to be a little more joke-y and think a little bit less about what I do and say. I can exist a little easier knowing there’s an effort to respect my boundaries. Then, I can know if a boundary is crossed, it’s likely accidental and I don’t have to show up fighting the way I do when I need to enforce the boundary rather than just inform people of it. I’m able to let my guard down and be vulnerable which leads to the most beautiful moments of connection.

I do believe that respecting boundaries is the bare minimum for healthy relating. If you want a healthy relationship with someone you necessarily have to respect each other’s boundaries as a starting point to build.

A: How do you react when your boundaries are disrespected?

R: I feel hurt and unsafe, sometimes even betrayed. I feel confused and defensive. I feel disrespected and not cared for — simply not important enough to consider. At this point I am able to act in ways that take care of myself and my boundaries (i.e. leaving a situation) rather than fighting (screaming/crying/name calling, trying to control the other person’s behavior) or freezing (literally freezing and shutting down, not talking or moving).

A: What has been challenging in establishing healthy boundaries?

R: When you live a long time without boundaries, people can get really mad at you for starting to have boundaries. It’s hard to feel so much anger from people who love you for expressing what you need.

A: If you have been in toxic/abusive relationships, how did you first come to the concept of understanding and constructing boundaries after the toxic relationship(s)?

R: I’m still working on this one. For the time being, I tell people I’m interested in dating that I am my primary partner, that I am my priority, that right now I am focused on taking care of me first and foremost; if I have energy left to spend on others I will happily do so, but I come first. I’m also clear I don’t always want to live that way; but for now, I feel I need to be able to establish where my boundaries are and how to enforce/care for them before I can scale it back a bit and can go back to focusing on others in a healthier, more boundary-conscious way.

A: As a trauma therapist in training, how have your degrees in psychology and social work enabled you to 1, better understand and craft boundaries for yourself and 2, help your clients?

R: I am in school in pursuit of becoming a trauma therapist. My undergraduate degree is in psychology (Bachelor of Science) so it included a good bit of neuroscience and I’m currently in school pursuing a Masters in Social Work. I think both have helped me understand boundaries for myself. My experience with navigating my own boundaries gives me an idea of how to approach boundary issues for and with others, including current and future clients. First of all, I think a little bit of neuroscience — understanding some basic wiring of the brain and inclinations people may have based just on their biology — is incredibly helpful. I think having a background in psychology also helps understand different perspectives and approaches to the world (some aspects based in nature and some in nurture) and it is important to understand this when approaching communication — including (maybe especially) communication of boundaries.

I think social work has been invaluable because it constantly reminds me that my ideas and ideals are deeply rooted in my culture and that my culture is not universal. Looking at the societal impact on different peoples and cultures helps me take a step back and remember that my clients are the experts in their own experience and if they/their culture hold different beliefs about boundaries and how or if to express them, that is also valid and I need to respect that.

A: As an individual who conducts Consent Workshops, how do you maintain and encourage boundaries?

R: In Cuddle Party consent workshops we start off by going over the rules to make sure everyone is on the same page with regards to what consent is and looks like in this space. If you are not present for this portion of the event, you cannot be present for the rest of it. You can find the rules on the Cuddle Party website (highly encourage doing so) but they include gems such as:

• You must ask permission and get a verbal “yes” before touching anyone
• If you are a “yes” to an invitation, say “yes”
• If you are a “no,” say “no”
• If you are a “maybe,” say “no”

We also practice saying “no” in game-like activities so it’s fun, goofy, low stakes, and everyone becomes more comfortable saying no to each other. So people are truly only doing things they want to do and there isn’t a sense of rudeness in saying no, there’s no obligation in saying yes, or anything like that.

A: There is very little data on the intersection for non-binary individuals and the correlation of toxic and domestic relationships. What do you think is important to address in raising awareness? How do identity and boundaries connect to this?

R: This is a really interesting question and I wish I had an answer for it. I can speak to my experience as a non-binary individual — I know there is some research on toxic and abusive relationships and violence against trans women, but I’m not aware of any data really on non-binary people.

I think it’s important to understand that a lot of the time individuals end up in abusive and toxic relationships because they think that’s what they deserve — because they think that’s the only thing they’re worthy of, or that if they give this up they’ll never have anything else and that is better than being alone. I think there are all kinds of reasons people feel that way, consciously and subconsciously. It would make sense to me that if you experience any kind of gender dysmorphia (if you feel like you hate your body or it is not your own or it is ‘wrong’ or ‘broken’ in some way), you might feel less worthy of love and partnership, therefore when someone treats you as broken or wrong, it might feel right — as much as it hurts. I could understand that.

A: What advice would you give a younger version of yourself regarding boundaries?

R: A few short important tidbits:

• If the choice is disappoint yourself or disappoint someone else, always disappoint someone else.
• ‘No’ is a full sentence. You don’t owe anyone an explanation.
• You don’t have to understand someone’s boundaries to respect them.
• You can leave. You can stand up and walk away and that’s not rude — it’s a good way to hold your boundaries when others won’t.