Writing Reflections to Heal from Toxic Relationships

Every time I walk into a new environment, be that a classroom, a bus station, or concert hall, I pause to absorb the signs: a strained smile here, profuse yet unwarranted apologies there. How many other survivors and victims are here? How many have struggled to share their story, while others have endured preserving a stagnant secret?

“More than 1 in 3 women and more than 1 in 4 men in the United States have experienced rape, physical violence and/ or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime.”

As a survivor of childhood abuse, the first time I heard the above statistic, I felt absolutely appalled by the sheer number but was also nurtured by the fact that I was far from being alone. But what truly terrified me was finding out that those who have been abused once are more likely to be abused again. To have survived domestic violence once was horrendous enough; to know that it was something I was statistically prone to experience again petrified me. I had run away from home, moved halfway across the country, and legally changed my name to protect myself. I wondered: if I were abused again, would I be able to survive?

These statistics do not even begin to address the complex intersections of race, disability, education, gender, sexuality and socio-economic background; all of which can affect not only the likelihood of abuse but also limits access to the support and healthcare necessary to leave abusive situations and seek adequate therapy and other resources to heal.

Now, 25 years old, I heave with a sigh and acknowledge that yes, I have indeed survived again. And again. And again. Against all odds. As I fought the social taboo of my abusive childhood and the gaslighting of years, I hesitantly embraced therapy and began to notice toxic patterns between relationships: gaslighting, verbal abuse, physical threats, coerced sex, victim blaming, co-dependence, restricted autonomy, and so on. I wanted to heal. I didn’t want to be a victim anymore; I wanted to be a survivor.

No matter what trauma you have experienced, it is never your fault. You have survived and that in itself is more than reason to celebrate. I am proud of you for seeking help.

The following writing exercises have been instrumental in my healing. They have helped me process my paradigm and identify red flags and abusive behaviors in previous toxic relationships. If you are a highly empathetic individual (as I am), I most definitely recommend bringing an entire box of tissues (or two handkerchiefs — hug a tree!) to accompany you in this exercise.

Though this is written for those who have left toxic relationships, it could be applicable for those still in toxic relationships. If you attempt this, ensure that it is either kept in a safe place that can never be found or that you destroy the evidence thereafter to protect your safety. If you are currently in a toxic or abusive relationship, consider crafting an exit plan.

Write a list of similar traits between toxic relationships. Relationships can include romantic, platonic, familial, or those that occur at work or in school.

1. Consider the earliest memories in the relationship. What words said or actions taken made you feel uncomfortable, particularly those you casually shrugged off?
2. What are red flags you can identify in hindsight?
3. List behaviors that escalated during the relationship. What went beyond making you feel uncomfortable? What did you disagree with but stayed silent or were criticized when you spoke your stance? What caused strong emotional reactions — sadness, anger, frustration, etc?
4. What, having now left the relationship, do you resent? What are behaviors that you wish to never tolerate again? This could include words or phrases that were harmful, destructive actions, or restrictions imposed on you.
5. Ask yourself the difficult questions: how did they gaslight me? How did they verbally put me down? How did they physically harm me? How did they sexually harm me? How did they criticize me in ways that weren’t constructive but were harmful? How did they treat me when they felt strong emotions? How did they react when I expressed my own emotional needs? How were they hypocritical? How was I isolated (from myself, from friends/family, from my community)? What hurt me the most?
6. After you have cultivated a comprehensive list for toxic relationships, take a highlighter and highlight the common threads between each relationship.
7. What does that reveal? Take a moment to reflect on the similarities and the patterns that have surfaced. Remind yourself that you have survived and have much to be proud about yourself.

Write a list of at least 15 attributes you would seek in an ideal partner. In this case, a partner could be romantic, platonic, a chosen family member, or another relationship you aspire to cultivate.

1. Focus on what you would love to share, what you are vaguely interested in, and then what you would not be willing to tolerate again.
2. After writing the list, highlight five attributes that are crucial to any relationship you aspire to foster going forward. These will constitute the structure of establishing boundaries. If these are currently absent, consider instead devoting your time to someone who supports your paradigm.

Reflect on the two lists that you have written above. Congratulate yourself on being vulnerable with yourself. This isn’t easy. I am proud of you for writing this and reflecting on your life experiences. Now, with everything you have learned, write a list of boundaries.

1. List what you would say an authentic and ‘enthusiastic yes’ to. If someone was asking your consent, what activities would you shout yes to? That, my friends, is your ‘enthusiastic yes.’ What do ideal interactions with people you would love to surround yourself with look like? What sort of encouragement, constructive criticism, and activities would be ideal? What ideology would thrive?
2. What do you say a ‘lukewarm yes’ to — activities that you’ll agree to and would enjoy but aren’t necessarily your favorite cup of tea? Write these down, too.
3. What do you say ‘no’ to? What are words, phrases, or actions that you will never tolerate again? What have you experienced that you never wish to experience again? Write these down.

If you begin to foster a new relationship or wish to strengthen an ongoing relationship with someone you care about, I strongly recommend sharing your second and third lists with these people. How they react is foreshadowing for how they will treat you later on. Do they respect and listen to your concerns, fears, dreams, desires, and boundaries? Or do they repeat any of those patterns you’ve described in toxic relationships you’ve already left? Let these reactions determine whether they deserve to continue to be part of your life.

These writing reflections and exercises are a culmination of what I have learned over the years and through my own painful but rewarding healing journey. They are not intended to replace therapy. If you feel you are in danger, please seek professional help.

National Domestic Violence Hotline

+1–800–799-SAFE (7233)

National Sexual Assault Hotline

+1–800–656-HOPE (4673)

National Suicide Hotline

+1–800–273–8255

The Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender National Hotline

• 1–888–246–7743

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Thank you Shruthi Murali for editing suggestions.

Photo Credit: @manualescapist